Candy and Sonya are like cream and sugar you put in coffee to take away all the bitterness. They have seen the best of me and the worst of me. And we get along swell.
So anyways...something we talked about made me recall a promise I made myself in 2005.
In March 2005...just 2 months away from our graduation as teachers. An ex-projectmate of mine committed suicide. I will not speculate on its exact details. There were many factors involved I believed. But the timing was just so wrong. We were in our second practicum, if she had hung on for a month or two longer, she would have graduated and moved on from NIE.
Was it stress? She passed away on the day she was due for a class lesson supervision. Was it depression? Apparently she had been under medication for a while now. What it was, we will never know.
What I do know...was I felt this utter shock when I heard the news. And then there was this sick creeping sensation in my gut. You start wondering if maybe the signs were there all along. I always knew her as someone with a bubbly and happy personality. A pleasant smile to greet you in the mornings. We won't terribly close...just the one project that one time. But enough to always greet each other with warmth and a smile in the mornings. Enough to know each other's names in the lift and to exchange pleasantries or small talk when we bump into each other. Enough to have each other's numbers saved in our handphones, knowing we might need each other's help someday.
I sat alone the day she left and just wished she could have called me.
I don't know why I felt that way. I just did.
Hope springs eternal for me. Committing suicide...is the end of all hope. It is the deepest isolation of despair. There is no redemption once you are beyond the point of suicide.
What makes a person despair so much that she should choose to end a beautiful life?
What rages on in the mind or the heart to cause such utter hopelessness?
I only wished I could have been there for her. Just to tell her that it is not so bad. That if nobody would believe in her or stand by her...I could and I would. That all is not lost...if we could just think of what we can do tomorrow. That hope...lives...no matter what, no matter where.
Perhaps a bumbling fool like me, wouldn't have helped much. But I knew what I felt. If I had the chance to talk to her...I could show her the hope inside of me. I don't harbour hopes that I could have saved her. I just wished I could have done a little more.
That night I promised myself that if I ever knew a friend or an acquaintance or just about anyone who was ever in this state of despair. I would be there to stand by him or her. In deed or in word, just call and I will be there.
You didn't have to go this way.
Pretty smile no more.
What was it you couldn't say?
I remembered you.
If you only knew,
The words I could have told.
Not that I could be salvation.
Maybe all you needed was balm.
Hope springs eternal,
You're a lily thats floated on.
Perhaps peace is downstream.
In remembrance... Rest well.
1 comment:
had a friend whom whom i've known and been in the same class since sec one till jc days did the same thing.. someone with a very expressive deposition.. so why he chose that path we din know.. muz haf been realli realli bad for him.. i've juz bumped into him a week before it happened.. he looked alright.. din say anything too... likewise, i wished he'd talked to someone.. i wished i could haf seen it coming..
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